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Her name was LuLu

She was a show ewe

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I'm supposed to put the wig WHERE??

What is a Merkin?

By RWG

Gather 'round kiddies, you're going to get some learning you won't find in a book. I have been asked time and again, ‘what is a merkin?’ The response I’ve heard from many people to that question is "A merkin? Why that’s someone who was born in the United States!". Hahaha. No. Wrong. Go back to Hamburger University and get your degree. In the simplest language I know, I will proceed to enlighten you on this subject that many great school books have so negligently failed to include within their hallowed pages.

Ahhhhh. The merkin. Rolls off the tongue now, doesn't it. The merkin. Where to begin? How about the beginning, of course!

The merkin had it's reign in the Victorian times. The Victorian era, though romanticized by silly modern women as a time of great loveliness and decorum, was in reality a time of over-whelming filth and degradation. Many a home was without the smallest of hygienic supplies, no soap, no shampoo, and certainly no deodorant. Bathing was considered a monthly ritual as the Victorians believed water was the bearer of disease and pestilence. Perfume, in all it’s cheap and tawdry forms was used to mask the overwhelming odors, but then everyone just smelled like cheap street corner hookers. The one thing these monthly baths, and liberal perfuming did not discourage, was the ever present lice and vermin found flourishing in some of the finest lady’s pubic regions.

Now, these ladies could live with housework and drudgery from morn to eve. And they could live with the roaches and rats scampering in and around the homestead. But they could not, I repeat, could not, and would not live with a family of lice creating time-shares in their most private of lady parts! So, off went the curls! But alas, the dear ladies would feel a bit of a draft. To nip this dire consequence in the bud (excuse the pun) a little hair wig was fashioned in all the latest colors and styles. This little wig became know as the humble 'merkin' .

Yes, the merkin. Finally, we get to the merkin. I can just imagine a clothes line full of the little periwigs blowing in the breeze on a gentle spring day. Doubtless, this is the romantic image many of those silly modern women hold as well, but that’s another story! How did these ladies attach the merkin? Alas, I do not know, and I fear my imagination is far too delicate to consider the possibilities. I might hazard that the more petite ladies fashioned a garter of sorts out of bits of lace and ribbon, and the more portly matrons found need for a yoke and harness. Let us just say, attach it they did, and leave it at that. It is not so much the attachments we’re interested in, but the device itself.

OK, RWG, you have given us the history of the merkin, you have given us the definition of the merkin, but how do I, a simple internet surfer use this astounding new knowledge in everyday context? Relax Grasshopper, this new word dovetails quite nicely into ordinary conversation.

For example, if someone is getting a bit snippy with you, perhaps a tad defensive you might want to instruct that individual to 'don't get your merkin all tied in knots!". Your boss reward a co-worker with a promotion? Good sports will kindly doff their merkin, and proclaim "My merkin goes off to you, my good man!" You may also find cause to celebrate one of life's little holidays with "Long live the MERKIN!" For those more patriotic events, you may want to solemnly proclaim 'I'm proud to be a merkin" Whatever the context, remember to say it loud, and say it often. Let us honor those brave women who desired a bit of fluff on the muff, and showed their pioneer ingenuity and spirit by introducing this wonderful cosmetic innovation.

Please, folks, copy this definition to your hard drives, so that at some future time you can call it up to post should another hapless soul ask the age old question 'what is a merkin?'

Other links:

True photos of Reality Sucks! posters

Reality Sucks Message Board

Bladders Rads Nads Merkin Lunapad Liquor Lounge

Who you gonna call? You gotta check out Skub's page!

Madeline's Luna Pad site

You can send me e-mail at hcmerkin@yahoo.com (click here)